We got feedback that you wanted “more” on our last topic on tantrums, which focused on how to BE with people who are struggling with upset reactions, negatively acting out, and learning self-control. It discussed ways to redefine the mutual problem aspects of tantrums, as the first step towards realizing what to DO next. Now, since that initial HOW TO BE part has been put out there, we can move onto some practical WHAT TO DO about tantrums during the holidays, in ways that can have payoffs all year long. If you have holiday/tantrum tips--please send them for the web!

It usually helps to frame human conflicts within certain situations and contexts so the WHAT TO DO tips can be specific. Therefore, in this edition, we will look at the mutual behavioral binds and tantrum provoking problems that happen for people living, working, and coping with Autism during seasonal celebrations, and the adaptive solutions we can put into place to both lessen tantrums, while teaching lifetime happy holiday lessons. However remember that the questions we most often ask about tantrums all year round--just get intensified in special holiday settings:

• How can we avoid tantrums--at a family’s holiday table?
• •What about shopping and tantrums in stores--during busy holiday shopping trips?
• •What if we are excluded from activities--like holiday entertainments and events?
• •What can we do to help people with Autism remain calm--in the face of holiday stresses?
• •What can we do to help all our children participate--in holiday events, even when they have more severe Autism, and it is our families first holiday since our child was diagnosed?
• •What can we do if our children with Autism are getting obsessed or upset--with holiday events or materials?
• •What can we do if our child gets overly upset when asked to perform according to our adult schedules/needs--in relation to changing holiday schedules and everyones high needs for having a peaceful and happy time?
• •What can we do if our children with Autism are upset by all the changes and demands--of holiday seasons?

While these are the kinds of holiday circumstances and settings our visitors and new families call us to ask for help with tantrums, they represent many of the kinds of unpredictable events and changes in routines and environments which our children (young and old) may have during the whole year. This means that many of the adaptive environmental, materials, and methods we offer in this edition may hold keys to having a peaceful and calm year ahead and being more included each day. This is our holiday wish from and for the Threshold to our community.

Sharone Lee, M.A., Editor

No More Tantrums & Happy Holidays Too
What can we do if relatives/peers do not want to include a person with Autism in our families’ and communities’ traditional holiday celebrations because of the possibility of their having sudden outbursts or tantrums?

The tricky thing about inclusion is that we may not be able to make certain persons, in certain situations, at certain times, change according to our requests. This is particularly true when one’s (or one’s family member’s) behavior does not align with people’s or groups’ higher expectations and requirements for special celebrations. There is also a historical bias against including people with Autism that persists today, even without negative behaviors being a factor. Most of all, people’s desires and expectations to avoid sorrow or upsets during times of celebration are high. Finally, holidays come and go so fast that we barely have any time to negotiate. Together, these factors may seem to block the road to inclusion. However, if we seek inclusion for holidays, it can help us achieve inclusion in more events the rest of the year, and if we negotiate for inclusion during the rest of the year, it may help us with upcoming holiday events. To avoid a “chicken or the egg first” bind, start advocating ASAP. However, there are three prerequisites to negotiations. First, we must notice (objectively observe without any judgments) all of what may be happening with all of us. Then, we must objectively name (without negatively labeling) all the factors that may contribute to upsetting situations for people with and without Autism. (Human bridges are usually built from both sides of the canyon.) Then, we must engage in putting in the time, and out the effort, to define our shared and separate problems. Finally, we may negotiate towards adaptive solutions by establishing a balance of high mutual supports and demands that can make inclusion possible. Here are a few tips to get started on the path to negotiable holidays:

•Expertise in problem defining and solving is directly tied to the capacity to value failure as the surest signpost to success and to U-Turn when a plan is not working. This is CRITICAL during holidays, when urges to make and keep things PERFECT or to JUST GET THROUGH IT are strong. This can push us into intolerable binds and ever bigger upsets--when flexibility and slowing down in what we do can make for memorably positive moments.

•Be the first person to agree that there is a problem and to apologize for disruptions our rigidity caused. By letting go of being right, we let the other person save face, and more quickly reopen the door to request needed supports and greater understanding between us.

FESTIVE ATTIRE ALL
What can we do if our child gets upset about putting on, or even taking off, different holiday style clothes or costumes, according to our adult schedules/needs?

Getting used to wearing new holiday clothes or novel holiday costumes may require frequent, gradually longer, and structured dress rehearsals, starting with first looking at, and then putting on, easy items before moving onto full outfits. Rehearsals may need to occur “back stage” and must be mastered well before our “opening night” because we must eliminate the novelty of the visual and physical changes the wardrobe represents to the person with Autism. (There may be tactile texture-tolerance issues that need to be worked out, or eliminated.) Hi/Lo motivational clothes, hats, or masks may need structure to increase willingness to put them on, leave them on, or take them off once they are on. Since our goal is to create flexible dressing routines, not rigid clothing rituals, it can be helpful to have one storage place and bin for “put on” and another set for “take off” for our practice items. A rehearsal timer or visual pacer can also let the person know that wearing any such items will have a clear predictable start to finish sequence. For folks who do not yet understand time, you can first teach ball (object in buckets) or dot (flat symbols on a strip) countdown timers using more neutral passing-skill-level work or play activities. Then the adults can use them to retain control of the length of dress rehearsals from the start. Object or dot timers work best if the adult holds onto them and takes one “first start” (green) ball/dot and drops it in what will be a finished bucket/envelop to begin. Then the middle yellow balls/dots can be dropped in at a fast or slow pace, until the last red “finished” ball or dot goes in. This can work for any holiday, or year-round, skills training practices too.

MAIN EVENT MEALS & MISSING MANNERS
What can we do about big family meals if our children with Autism (younger and older) may still misbehave at our holiday tables?

Several problems tend to predict conflicts at the table all year, but they do increase on holidays:

•Having to STAY at the table and remain still at one’s own place
is a very important life skill we need to gain and maintain ASAP. Providing well-structured seating supports, with correctly sized furnishings helps. Children with Autism often let us know they need to have a gentle Velcro seat belt and a chair with side arms that physically “tells me to stay.”
Placemats with each person’s face photo will work magic too.

•Sitting quietly with many people very nearby talking more loudly
may call for earplugs or shooting head phones and structuring a smaller quieter “our” table too. Chairs sitting inside a 3 sided box can provide quieter/safer spaces--let folks decorate their own boxes as holiday “thrones.” Cut little “visiting” windows with open/close flaps at head height and watch manageable social exchanges delightfully emerge.

•Eating only what is on one’s own plate with goodies nearby
makes family style serving hard to manage. Out-of-reach & sight “dinner-up-first/desert-out-last” buffets help. Wider seat spacing and “my meal” picture menus on one’s placemat set clear limits.

•Repeating abstract prompts for “good” manners or “respect” you want NOW!
for either holiday traditions or typical age appropriate best table manners will often backfire, because skills have to be learned first, and demands must be processed slowly, carefully and calmly in clear consistent and concrete communication terms each person can process well
Therefore, each day and each year it helps to have reasonable expectations This means you can keep your demands high if they are high in relation to levels of high supports and the level of the desired skill goal is kept relative to the person's true developmental progress. Therefore, please work within your person-focused, family-centered, and Autism community based provider team to have holiday skills training time and resources ready: key phrase flash cards, make holiday theme sticker books before and add photos after, and rehearse concrete step-by-step directions for table skills and use Social Stories™ by Carol Grey to create “My Manners” guides ahead of time.


Keeping the Faith
What can we do to help our children participate in holiday religious education and services in our places of worship?

First, we must clearly define and describe what really constitutes one’s experience of participation in religious education or worship. Is it just being “in the room” with one’s faith-based community; or is it joining in, in our own “developmentally appropriate” way for who we are as diverse individuals; or, is it having all the same internal understanding and external appearances as one’s peers? Each of these possibilities might serve to afford, or to deny, a person with Autism a number of useful venues for learning adequate self-control to participate and to avoid sudden tantrums, loud outbursts, or startling risky physical actions, which are disruptive in public settings. Here are some tips for faith-based memberships’ work:

•Tape record previews of worship activities for religious training tools. Create closed caption texts or a matching picture+word guidebook. The most commonly used parts of leader or group recitals, or music, can then be learned in advance. This lets events be experienced as predictable routines and teaches “follow along with the guide” skills. Previewing shorter to longer bits of events gets folks ready to be “in the room.” Then do transition visits just for these very same moments in classrooms and services.

•One important “fail-safe” tip is DO NOT RUSH exposure to highly abstract ideals or traumatic stories from any faith. Those of us with Autism may often perseverate by talking about things we do not understand or find too complex, confusing, worrisome, or upsetting. Instead, start with concrete positive concepts and save the “tough” topics for only if, and when, the person shows a solid readiness to cope with ideas which we all find challenging to grasp. Try to not try to control the person with Autism's faith-based engagement in salvation, enlightment, or self-actualization. If you have a spiritual belief or religious faith reflect on the possiblity that the Loving Will of The Universe is already very directly "plugged into" our kids, and that they have more to teach us about the nature of achieving our fullest spiritual destiny than we may have to teach them in this life. Instead, focus on communicating and modeling the simple correct conduct and good relationship guidelines your community of belief has to offer YOU BOTH. That will get us all back on The Path.

•Provide intrinsic object-picture-book motivators to “stay/be calm” in a group. Use extrinsic reinforcements to shape a desired behavior needed to perform an activity. •Religious leaders and teachers will benefit from the same kinds of Autism provider education and individualized program planning that public school staff need to work successfully with people with Autism. If we work together slowly, but steadily over time, then religious knowledge, spiritual awareness, and worship observance skills can be broken down into parts and shared at each person’s level, with a focus on adult worship practices and needs.

•Our families will need to share which methods have, and have not, worked at home or school and negotiate for best practice methods.All missions of faith require lots of volunteer time, great good will, and charitable resources adapted to accommodate needs. Go to your community and ask them for the help that you need. You can all benefit from this journey as a community and in very deep spiritual growth. Then we can WORK miracles of inclusion.That is the reality here.

•Most of all have a little faith in yourself and each other.

Decorations & Differences
What can we do if our children with Autism obsess on holiday details, or if our child gets overly upset about having seasonal decorations be put up, or taken down, according to our adult schedules/needs, or rejects family members who arrive and who we visit on our holidays?

People with Autism may get stuck on details and unclear ideas about holidays, or become upset by changes and new faces during unique events for a number of reasons that may, or may not, relate to motivation. People with Autism may continually repeat or seek out information and materials about objects or events that are not yet understandable because they are still too confusing or abstract. This is not really a choice, and it may not be about having an obsession. It can be about how all our brains are wired to work to figure out what confuses us. The problem is that Autism may create innate barriers to accurate and age appropriate understandings of abstract ideas, which creates a loop-back between these learning motivations and barriers. When perseverative behaviors are seen as obsessions, then information on such topics may be withheld. However, in this case, it may be helpful to work towards “finishing” topics or resolving confusion. This problem is why it helps to plan to teach complex holiday features at each person’s passing to emergent skill levels. Then exposure to information we are not yet ready to process and learn is avoided. Concrete object, visual, or written materials can offer a starting place, when typical verbal concepts and social prompts fail or fall into tantrums or repetitive cycles. Accepting that holiday and other educational plans must meet needs “where the person is at,” in this hot zone of learning just within reach, means we may not include every curricula parents or teachers want. In other cases, contradictory to the binds of this motivational learning loop, many people with Autism may also have an atypical response to novel stimuli. We may want to avoid them, and even dislike or fear them yet, be fully able to learn about them. Again, this is not a choice and therefore, it may not be about negative attitudes, personal rejection, or non-cooperation. It can be about atypical brain functions. Typical brains have chemicals that create a very high attraction to novel things or ideas. However, biomedical research shows that some people with Autism experience aversion to novelty due to atypical chemical responses. Previews with rehearsals, visual schedules, photos, calendars, maps, and descriptive stories can offer us predictable start to finish sequences and familiarization with people, objects, and events before the big day, so we all experience each other as welcoming and welcomed.

YOURS, MINE & OURS
What can we do to help our children realize that all the gifts are not theirs, or that their own presents ARE theirs and that they may open them NOW, or how to share their toys and take turns with visiting relatives’ children?

Understanding all the social meanings which the typical world may attach to our objects, and tolerating the contractions of how we may have both permanent and temporary ownership rights to our own or others’ property, remains a key dilemma and represents a critical skill need for our children with (and without) Autism. It helps to make these subjective social realities more objectively clear. Here are some tips that have been tested to be tried and true in managing gifts:

Make boundaries of ownership objectively clear in space and not about changes over time.
For example, for all folks getting presents, have them sit inside hoola hoops with their pictures and names attached. Then sort presents into boxes or bags inside their hoops. We may also decorate our hoops or containers to create a lovely holiday scene WHERE “I can really SEE MY, YOUR, and OUR GIFTS clearly.” Later use hoola hoops on floors (or placements on tables) and put owner ID picture/name tags on all the toys. Use taking-turn boxes with ID tags on them too.
Add countdown timers (see above) to structure WHERE and HOW LONG turn taking time happens. (Be sure to give and get time with prized toys simultaneously. This containerization with timers will clearly define toy ownership spaces versus “loanership” times. However, we need to accept that new toys and turn taking in the middle of holiday stress may just not be tolerable for our children with (or without) Autism--not yet. Therefore, if this structure and predictability does not work--then allow turns with only one child and one highly motivational toy in a quiet place, with a timer.

Happy Holiday Shopper Tips & Traps
What can we do to possibly manage our stressful holiday shopping trips with a person with Autism, who may still tantrum on our weekly shopping trips together?

Most of these tips and traps apply all year--they just get critical with the added stresses of holiday shopping:

TIPS: Go with a VERY manageable list for yourself, and a reasonable itinerary for the person with Autism with you. Break shopping down into more trips with targeted goals. Save the big “hunter/gatherer” trips for when you have respite care and can go out and enjoy them sans Autism,
TRAPS: Trying to do the usual holiday shopping survival marathon with a person with Autism in tow--not realistic.

TIPS: First meet everyone’s needs for rest, water, food, or toilet before you start. For a tantrum, step just outside of the store or mall to calm down by taking a quiet neutral break on sidewalk or in your car for privacy, then go back in the store to finish a maybe shorter shopping list successfully.
TRAPS: Giving a young child with or without Autism rewards/reactions for any kind for tantrum creates ever greater negative outcomes long term. DO NOT do this at all.

TIPS: Upfront, give the person with Autism a trip picture or word list of WHERE you are going to go. At each place use a mini-shopping list of WHAT they can help you put in the cart--start with shopping work items. Only add any reward items later, at the end before “finish.” This helps create the “FIRST shopping work, THEN play/reward* ” reality that is part of developing smart shopper skills as adults. *But, do NOT buy things for rewards each trip.
TRAPS: Confusing shopping treks to “get what we NEED” with the play of being on a “get what all I WANT” safari is tantrum quicksand. This is the typical parenting trap too.

TIP: Take good care of yourself during gift giving holidays. Do not over extend yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, or financially. Seek to celebrate the spirit of “living the holiday” as much as you do its giving or perfect expectations aspects. Holidays can reflect our real selves and lives.
TRAP: Buying gifts to assuage misplaced guilt or sorrow, meet unrealistic expectations, or observe past traditions, which may not match with you or your family resources.

What if people stare at my tantruming child?
Tantrum rubberneckers are just like the folks who slow down to gawk or stop to help at traffic accidents. You need to politely but firmly communicate for folks to just “move along” unless you need people’s help in some way.
The Nicest Response: “My child is upset. We are learning calm down and shop correctly--everything will be O.K.”
The Firmest Directive: “We have got a little developmental collision of wills here, nothing to look at, please lets keep the traffic moving along.”
The Pointed Point: “Please stop staring, it isn’t helping me manage here.”

PICS & POSITIVE POSES
What can we do if people with Autism need to have their holiday picture taken or we want to video tape them, but they do not like to sit for pictures or be on camera?

•It can always helps to let children with Autism see familiar people photographed first, and to hold pictures of people they love too. Polaroid or digital cameras can make an abstract process clear in our homes or portrait studios. So be sure to have our kiddos learn by objectively seeing what cameras can do, and appreciate their real value, before taking on the challenge of teaching needed formal portrait sitting skills next.

•Mirror workouts help a person learn how to attach and respond to visual smile face cues with the happy expression you want to photograph. Then SMILE cues can combine with adults flashing highly motivational items as our clear WHEN to smile prompts.

•Find a flexible open and photographer who feels ready and willing work with your family’s needs, expectations, and wants and who is able to adapt how the photo session goes and how the transition/waiting and sitting spaces are set up.

•Schedule early in the season, or even off-season during slower activity times. Be sure no one is in a hurry if you are trying to get a more formal portrait result.

• Relax, and you will not miss getting the best picture possible. However, it can actually help to let go of old standards of how a typically beautiful pose looked (i.e., sitting up still and perfectly smiling happily), by holding onto the value of capturing the true image of the people we love most.

•Sometimes it is best to catch natural unposed pictures and videotapes of folks with Autism without calling out “look at me” and “smile for the camera” in ways that startle and confuse them. Instead, you can set up hidden cameras and just play together doing a favorite holiday or daily activity and catch the delights that unfold. Then embrace those pictures that reflect who your child is at each age. Older parents tell us that we treasure these true shots more than the perfect ones later.

Tantrum Tech-Support Texts and NetworksToo
What texts or parenting guides can help me learn more about how to avoid tantrums now, and all year, and how to deal with them if my child with Autism has outbursts?

QUICK REFERENCE OF SOURCES AND RESOURCES ON TANTRUMS
In our sites Sources and Resources Links you will find a more comprehensive set of professional literature and service providers and family support books and community organizations. Below is a brief sample that relates directly to approaching best practices parenting and avoiding tantrum quick sand to get you started. This is a broad selection of texts from behavioral, electic and developmental model approaches. Therefore, these are texts which parents and professsional have recommended to Threshold, and not necessarily those we would recommend. Threshold wishes to gently encourage parents and teachers to explore all these possible the ideas on how to avoid tantrums here on the web. It can help to order some key book catalogs:

Future Horizons
1-800-489-0727
www.futurehorizons-autism.com

“A Treasure Chest of Behavioral Stategies for Individuals with Autism” by Beth Foust Ph.D. and Maria Wheeler.

“The Out of Sync Child” Book/Video By Carol Stock Kranowitz, M.A.

Autism Asperger Publication Co.
1-877-AS-PUBLISH
www.aspergers.net

“Challenging Behavior and Autism: Making Sense--Making Progress” by Phillip Whitaker, Helen Joy, Jane Harley, and David Edwards

“Developing Emotional Intelligence: A Guide to Behavior Management and Conflict Resolution in Schools” by Richard J. Bodine and Donna K. Crawford.

“Power Struggles: Managing Resistance, Building Rapport” by John W. Maag

Autism Resource Network
1-952-988-0088
www.autismshop.com

“The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chonically Inflexible Children” by Ross W. Greene

“Making a Difference: Behavioral Interventions for Autism” by Catherine Maurice, Gina Green and Richard Foxx

“Positive Behavioral Support: Including People with Difficult Behaviors in Community” by Robert L. and Lynn Kern Koegel

Amazon.com

“The Challenging Child” Stanely I. Greenspan M.D. (+other titles)

“Addressing the Challenging Behavior of Children with High-Functioning Autism/Asperger Syndrome in the Classroom: A Guide for Teachers and Parents” by Rebecca A. Moyes

“Without Spanking or Spoiling: A Practical Approach to Toddler and Preschool Guidance” by Elizabeth Crary


OREGON ORGANIZATIONS PROVIDING PARENTING TRAINING

Autism Training & Support in Eugene
www.autismtraining.com 541-689-2327

FEAT Families for Early Autism Treatment of Oregon
http://feator.org 503-282-3328 ask for free behavior resource guide

Kindtree Productions in Eugene
www.kindtree.org 541-689-2228

Northwest Autism Foundation in Greater Portland Area
www.autismnwaf.org 503-557-2111

Oregon Technical Assistance Corp: Autism Collaborative Project
www.otac.org 503-364-9943 ask for free service resource guide

Oregon Parent Training & Information Center in Salem
http://www.open.org/~orpti/ 888-505-2673 (formerly COPE)

Research & Training Center Positive Behavioral Support U of O
http://brt.uoregon.edu/rctp 541-346-3535

THRESHOLD in Salem--YOU ARE IN OUR SITE HERE
www.understandingautism.org 503-375-9462
See our dates for local "C.A.L.M. No More Tantrum" sessions in our CURRENT TRAININGS link>>

GET STARTED ON ENDING TANTRUMS WITH C.A.L.M.
To help our community members avoid getting lost in the behavior briar patch and falling into life long tantrum quicksand we can co-sponsor “C.A.L.M. No More Tantrums” Workshops with any organization that wishes to put one on. This is what we cover in our one day presentation:

CLEAR COMMUNICATIONS
Concrete, consistent, and clear communications are the most effective way to avoid unnecessary upsets, and to walk the path to mature self-control. With Autism, we will need to use fully individualized adaptive communication systems to reach that goal ASAP.

ADULT AUTHORITY
We need to be warm and firm about who is in charge of who and what, in order to establish our adult roles.

LIMITS + LOVE
We all benefit from healthy balances of caring and well- structured supports and demands. Then, we can all be loving, set limits, meet needs, and negotiate wants.

MATURITY & MODELS
Commiting to the pursuit of mutual maturity, and to work together using shared models of parenting and teaching people with and without Autism, is the way out of the behavior briar patch and past the life span quicksand of tantrums.